22 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE MAY 1, 1998

BIG TIPS

Who should I come out to, and who should I not tell?

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

I just got a new shower curtain liner, and that could only mean one thing: My parents were just visiting. They've been here before a couple of times, but it'd been a year and a half since their last trip, and there was much catching up to be done.

Besides the preparatory mildew purge, the only thing to worry about this time was that this would be the first time they'd ever met anyone I was going out with. (A result of my chronically brief assignations, not embarrassment about any of the lovely women I've been with.)

I think it went well, and I padded the importance of that event with other activities. I dragged them out to parks, where I made them climb over huge logs to pick up smooth stones. I brought them to a smoky club for a benefit for a singer friend. They bought me a new sewing machine. (Thanks!)

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Saw nature. Played Yahtzee. Introduced them to roasted garlic and local microbrews. I'm still hearing stories about the brunch where they met a bunch of my friends and someone told my mom, “You have really nice skin!" and my dad, "How 'bout that girlfriend... quite a catch, huh?"

I was so busy rushing them around to keep them "happy," that it took a traffic jam on Sunday afternoon for me to realize that I didn't need to be afraid of a quiet moment with them.

We were talking about a guy in my dad's department at work who was transitioning to be a woman, and my mom said, "You know, due to your 'gaiety,' I'm really a lot more open minded." All of a sudden I was immensely relieved. I felt like coming out to them 12 years ago finally had some tangible consequence beyond my personal integrity. And I felt proud of all three of us.

Dear Big Tipper,

I am coming to terms with coming out of the closet, and I need advice on how to be tactful and not just blurt it out. Who should I tell? Who should I not tell?

Dear Ziplock,

Locked in the Closet

Come out to people you feel safe with first: folks who you're pretty sure will be fine with you being queer, and who don't have a lot of power over you.

Friends and siblings are a good starting point. Tell one at a time, and in a situation where they can ask you questions, or leave to think about it if they need to. The beginning of a cross-country drive is probably a bad idea. Once you have a few friends backing you, and you have a track record of success, you can

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work on biggies, like your parents. Remember, though, if you're under 18, don't come out to your parents unless you're sure they won't lose their minds and send you away to a "special school" or an institution. And ifthey're paying for school, you might want to wait until you're no longer financially dependent on them. Parents do strange things when confronted with a queer child, because they can.

Wait for a good point in a conversation with the lucky confidante, and let him or her know that you're gay, and you're happy about it, and that you're telling them because you want them to know what's really going on with you.

Being out doesn't mean you should feel obliged to hoot out "I'm gay!" indiscriminately, but you'd be surprised at how often the opportunity comes up to mention your non-hetero status: "When are you getting married?" "When the whole family can afford tickets to Amsterdam, grandma.”

Each time you tell someone, it'll get easier, and you'll feel more relaxed about not having a big secret. Congratulations, and good luck.

Dear Big Tipper,

I have a long-time fantasy since I was ten or so. I have a big thing for motorcyclists, and they're the only kind of guy in which I am sexually interested. I am not referring to those "biker types." Regular good looking guys on big racing-type motorcycles are big turn-on for me. I don't drive one, and probably never will. When I mention this to other people, they incorrectly assume that I am into leather and S&M. I am not.

I have posted personals specifically addressed to motorcyclists, and I usually get no response. Even if I get some, they are almost always from somebody much older (I am 26), and married. I think there might be a race

factor as well (I am Asian). One time I responded to a personal posted by a motorcycle guy. He called me and I just ended up giving a blow job. I have not seen him since then.

How could I satisfy my fantasy and get a boyfriend with a motorcycle? I am picky when I make out with a non-motorcyclist, but not for a guy with a motorcycle. I really don't feel like getting into a relationship with an ordinary guy. Any solutions?

Dear Easy for a Rider,

For the Love of Bike

Any one who has a particular “type,” or fetish, is going to have a harder time finding their fantasy sweetie, just because the field is a bit narrower.

You've just got to go where these guys are, and make yourself visible. Maybe racing events. Cruise places that sell bikes: Feign interest in buying a bike, and see if there are any newsletters for enthusiasts in your area. Maybe there's a nice repair guy working there who'll strike your fancy.

You could also take a back door approach (so to speak): Find your perfect guy, and get him a motorcycle. Hit the road, and keep your eyes peeled.

For a limited time, everyone who sends a letter or e-mail question to Big Tips will receive a piece of Blessed Mother bric-abrac: a key chain, a little statuette, perhaps a magnet. I am breaking up and dispersing a huge collection over the course of this year, and you are my latest recipients.

For more information on "The Diaspora Project," contact me at M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martóne@drizzle.com.

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